chris willett

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Israel Is The Size Of Wales


Yep, that's what they tell me. You can drive from one side to the other in about 1 1/2 hours- here are some more interesting facts;

1. The Police drive with their flashing blue lights on all the time- which is worrying when the come up behind you but get suspicious if you move out of the way or pull over.

2. Here they think Jesus was born in Nazareth and not Bethelhem- which is why he was called Jesus Of Nazareth (though I'm not sure if it was hyphenated or 'Of' was his middle name). Having been told the truth by the C Of E which is a greater authority on such things I spread the word and my missionary work is done.

3. It's always a full moon in Israel.

4. Many cities have trees lining the streets which are home to vast colonies of bats which will try to shit on you when you are walking back from the pub. However, making a high pitch screeching noise will put off their sonar just enough to cause them to miss.

5.The Hebrew for 'yes' is 'ken'. This would have caused Ken Dodd for instance some trouble- "what is your name?" reply "Ken", "Yes, but what is your name?", reply "Ken". The Hebrew for 'no' is 'lo', so any Ken Lowes reading this- stay at home.

6.Road deaths on Israeli roads increase by 46% every year. The road kill is awesome. I saw too many dogs to count, goats and sheep, Ibex and other wild dear- top honours go to two donkeys at different times and places. Given that camels are tied to the roadside in Bedouin areas I was surprised not to spot one of them too.

So, Israel isn't that much like Wales really - or is it?

Jaffa

Thursday and first on the agenda was Old Jaffa- it's a place not a person and the original port which Tel Aviv grew from. The history goes way back as every civilisation that visited Israel (as it is now, obviously) came through this place, beseiged it by land or sea and if they won, killed everybody. It's something that happened a lot in these parts and just about every city has a gory past of it's inhabitants being conquered, slain then somebody else coming along and doing the same to the new residents- who always numbered in tens of thousands by the time they had got things as they wanted them and sent for thier families.
Anyway, it's typically crowded backstreets make for entertaining driving and pleasant walking around a citadel converted from a fort to a prison and police station just after the crusades. It's exactly what you'd expect except for one thing. There are streets and streets of pokey shops spilling thier wares onto the streets and gnarly old men watching over the merchandise as potential customers wander by and look for what they want before entering into the obligatory haggle. But what do they sell??? Fish from the small harbour, nope. Fruit and veg from the Kibbutz farms a few miles inland- try again. Ceramics influenced by the Egyptians, Romans, Byzantines and Moors who all passed this way, nowhere near!


Used industrial kitchen stuff- and this was a small one, many had rows of cookers frezers and grills etc out on the street.






I met Dan for lunch and then killed some more time around Jaffa before heading back to my place, a nice day.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Tel Aviv city

I slept like a log on their lounge floor, they even used cushions to extend the matress to exceed the length of my body. I slept so well that they both stepped over me on their way to work and I never noticed.
Using a newly purchased map book of Israel I found my way to the splendid beach area of Tel Aviv and parked up before going for a wander. I had a vague notion to get a hair cut, if only to avoid white lines if I left it until I returned home with what I hoped would be a World class suntan. As I stolled past a gents barbers I peered in but saw it empty, the old guy in the white coat sweeping the pavement a hundred metres further on was either the barber absent from his post or an inmate from a local institution who had escaped by posing as a member of staff.As I went back towards the door the former became apparent as he ushered me past the big sign saying French Spoken (in French)and to a waiting chair. Removing my Oakleys to where I couldn't keep an eye on them which made me feel very incomfortable he ignored my best effort at "je voudrais un coup" I was beginning to wonder if perhaps the coat did belong to his carer after all. He tied me up, sat me down and then forced me, yes forced me to drink water from a beaker while repeating "Florida", the phrase "non, je suis Anglais" falling on very deaf ears. I explained in French, English, Hebew (remember I had learnt 1 to 10) and reinforced with hand signals that I wanted a number 2 all over.He told me his name which escapes me now, after a few attempts I pronounced it sufficiently well to receive a kiss from him on my forehead- something I quickly learnt not to do for obvious reasons.
He fired up his clippers and began by taking my right sidie back to the skin. I managed to grab the machine before it headed any higher and, having rummaged in a dusty draw found the #2 guard which I fitted and gave it back. After another sip of water at his hand and some more "Florida" he pointed to a thining patch atop my head, shrugged his shoulders while pulling a face which did indeed mean "what can I do?" in French and began about his work. To be fair he put a lot of time into it and I was happy with the result when he motioned for me to rise some 35 minutes later. What I hadn't anticipated was having it washed and blown dry before returning to my seat- for which I was beginning to wonder if I had purchased a season ticket. It was then the cut throat raser appeared. I tried to check the seat for a tilting mechanism above a trapdoor but his hand seemed steady and he skillfully removed the short and curlies around my neck. Another drink and I was ready for the off- but not before he treated me to the gold service- which actually meant half a bottle of Pacco Rabanne sprayed into my eyes! He flustered until the burning subsided and finally removed the gown. I grabbed my camera and at this he left the shop- much to my confusion. However, within 15 seconds he was back with another gentleman whom he again forced into a seat and didn't bother to put the gown on. He then posed for the photo- only stopping when he was satisfied with what I had taken He over charged me by about £3 which given the entertainment was well worth it. He showed me some family pictures printed onto A4 which I took to mean that he wanted a copy of the photo, I indicated in the affirmative but left feeling lucky to have not been reduced to blood and ears. It was a very good haircut, I smelt good- at 300 metres and here he is....crazy bastard!



After exploring all the streets of what is without doubt a very fine city I indulged in an hour on the beach, very slightly marred by Israeli defence forces flying a constant security patrol along the coast following the discovery of a boat delivering explosives to Palestinian terrorists/freedom fighters the previous day.
On returning to the kibbitz I found that Dan had arranged for me to have my very own fully furnished house, complete with sky TV and a shower bigger than D&D's- much to their chagrin. That night I was pressed into playing basketball with the guys from the kibbutz- it wasn't a great success. Dan was urging me to get stuck in while the players were able to call any foul against them without being challenged, skilled they were but I am used to a more 'organic' style of play. Still. 2 hours on the court was punishing and I was glad to get home.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Touchdown Tel Aviv

After the excitement of having my hand luggage confiscated for a "routine check" by El Al security staff at Stansted then standing on the gantry as the aircraft prepared to move off as I waited for it's return I was pretty much ready for anything. I brushed oiff the limited leg room and the two old men arguing in the row in front. I was mentally prepared for the delicate issue of the stampiong of my passprt or more importantly the non stamping of it. Sadly,the 20 something girl on the customs desk was not. Apparently it's normal to ask as many Muslim countries consider the passport to be tainted if it has an Israeli stamp. She cleverly asked if I would be requesting the customs officers of the Muslim nations in question not to stamp it and I of course said I would if she would like me to. This led to more questions about why I was there? Why not? Who I was staying with- Dan and Dana, this led to a titter on her part, I said that if I were looking to make up names I wouldn't choosed them, she dryly replied, it's not that uncommon, I just think it's funny.When testeed on where they lived I was stuck having been told it was too dificult. I could only suggest she come and meet them in arrivals- the farce ended when a woman in a wheel chair begann wailing and screaming and everyone excerpt me wen to see why.
D&D were indeeed waiting for me- which is always nice, I may set up a company, maybe even a charity to meet people at airports. After a very big coffee Dana went off to work while Dan and I went to find a hire car. A good deal secured I drove back to their place while Dan hit me with a constant stream of necessary information.I took him to the railway station and then headed back for a doze as I hadnt slept all night.I wasn't too worried when I got lost on the way back as I got to see alittle of the town and met some nice people who gave me vague directions.When I got back D&D took it in turns to phone to see if I weas ok/try to wake me up- even their neighbour joined in the phone fun so I went out.I grabbed some lunch at a shopping centre and was asked on the way in by the security lady if I had a gun. Obviuosly I didn't and waited a few seconds half expecting to be given one before deciding that one brush with female authority figures was enough.
I then drove 20 mins to the other side of Tel Aviv to the suburb when Dad works and hit the beach/ It was about this time that all the imformatiion Dan had given me formed some order in my head and I had even remebered to count to ten, say hello. goodbye, please and thankyou etc in Hebrew.
Lighty toasted I drove to Dan factory where I had a quick tour of his department and Dana arrived.we went to a swanky burger place- they serve massive real home made burgers with a long list of extras including goose breast, remember Dan only eats once a day and it has to be meat.Vegetables are what he eats, eats- but I disticntly saw a slice of tomato in his burger!
I tried to pay but they wouldn't let me, Dana even said "wait until we go somewhere expensive", now anyone who says that to a guest on their first night in the country is tops in my book, excellent!